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  • Writer's pictureKim Scardino

What's next?

Once you have gotten over the pain of your divorce or loss, it is natural to have mixed feelings about putting yourself out there again. Most people hope that someone will magically appear in their living room who is a perfect fit. Sadly, real life is rarely a romcom and that is not how it works.


So how does it work? First, get yourself in a position to be desirable on a date. By this I mean, be emotionally ready. If you haven’t worked with a therapist to process the pain of your loss, I highly suggest doing that work first. Even if you are the one who left, you need to process what happened and take responsibility for your part. And, if your ex was unfaithful, work with a trained professional to get over that pain. Playing the victim on a first date will only attract people who want to rescue others or have similar emotional baggage.


Second, figure out what you want right now in this stage of your life. If you are newly single, maybe you are in "Crazy Time" (best book for newly separated!) and just want to have fun. “Crazy time” is exhausting and people often end up wanting something more meaningful and long-lasting. Once you’ve had a few short-term relationships under your belt and are ready for something longer term, it is important to be as open as possible but also mindful of what you want and need. In truth, you really don’t fully know what you want until you date a bunch of people. You have to date all types of people to understand your must-haves and dealbreakers.


One of my clients told me that when he first started dating after divorce he was intent on finding someone to marry. He quickly realized that he was putting too much pressure on himself to find his next wife. So he shifted his focus to find someone he liked and wanted to spend time with but not necessarily marry. Over time, his relationships ran their course and he is now looking to find someone to marry. He created a list of qualities he wanted in a partner. His list was created as a result of his prior relationships which ended up being great learning experiences.


One of the first things I do with clients is a relationship patterns exercise that I learned from my dating coach instructor Dr Terri Orbach. This exercise allows people to look back on their relationships and discover what went right and wrong and lessons learned. It also helps people identify their list of must haves and dealbreakers. At first, people may find these exercises uncomfortable, but it gets them thinking and focused.


Ask yourself where you are in the dating cycle…If you are ready to get focused on what you want and need, give me a call.


With love,

Kim


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