Where do you put past loves?

“But I love him” is something I often hear from women after they lament about how their boyfriend is not giving them what they need. I always reply, “yep, I get it. I understand that you love him (pause)…but is he really the one for you given all the stuff you just shared about how frustrated you are with your relationship?”

I think we all struggle with conflicting feelings of being in love and feeling incredibly disappointed with the dynamic of the relationship we are in. If you are dating after divorce and your significant other is not meeting your needs, should you stay with them if you love them? How long should you wait and see if things will improve? And, what if you never meet anyone else you feel as connected with?

Admittedly, these are tough questions. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to any of it. But, a universal truth is that you must be honest with yourself about whether the person is meeting your needs, and you cannot make decisions based on fear. You must ask yourself what you want in a relationship and evaluate whether the person you are with is meeting your needs.

I dated two men post-divorce—one for six years and another for two years after that. At the time, I was not focused on partnering up with someone for the long term. But, my needs changed as my daughter approached college. I learned neither was going to satisfy my long-term goals. I was incredibly sad after both break-ups, because I loved them both. But, I have learned that you can love someone deeply, but they may not be right for you long-term.

So where do we put past loves in our life? I recommend practicing gratitude for the time spent together. Be grateful for the fun you had together and be grateful for what you learned from the relationship. One of the best things you can do is keep a journal. If you are struggling with whether to move on from a relationship, write down your raw feelings. If you have already moved on, reflect on what you want going forward and what you don’t want.

I will also be rooting for my exes who brought me to the place I am today. They are part of my journey.

With love,

Kim